Ongoing journey of Self Awareness
Ongoing journey of Self Awareness
April 4, 2019
The last week I've been on this rollercoaster ride called Emotional Wreck. Lord have mercy all I can say is I'm the oldest big baby I know,( cause I'm sure no one else is an spoiled adult throwing mini temper tantrums when you don't get your way, like me...) I don't even want to go into detail about what had me so weepy and I'm not exaggerating I was crying and kicking like a baby. I mean the bottom line was my feeling were hurt and it triggered feeling of the past that just seemed to inflate the issue to such an dramatic scene that...lets just say I just start talking to my kids again and the incident happened Saturday. Yes I know I'm typing this on a Thursday night, don't you dare judge me in my own blog!! The point is I learned something I want to share.
So during the storm I'll call it, I felt so stupid for being mad and even more upset that I couldn't stop being mad. I mean I was pissed and couldn't let it go. I tried to logically reason with myself but noooooo, the thoughts kept coming in my head. I finally sat myself down and did the only thing that seems to help me release toxic thoughts I need to move through. I wrote down what I feel, why I feel it, is the feeling true and who would I be if I didn't even think the thoughts that created the feeling? I got this technique from a wonderful teacher and author Byron Katie. She's written numerous book, but the book that I found her with was "I need your love-Is that true?" This book teaches the beauty in questioning your thoughts to break the cycles your mind keeps you trapped in if you let it. I recommend reading her books highly. Back to the story, I was finally able to clear away the emotional baggage of the past and learn a valuable lesson.
I can forgive myself!!! It ok for me to be pissed at someone or something, that doesn't make me less called to serve others or even a bad person. Now being unkind to someone that can only react or relate to me from their perspective which is usually completely different from mine is the behavior of a mean person. Notice I said mean and not bad. You can be mean and not a bad person and I can be a mean person, I admit it, it's true. I am not groomed from the Michelle Obama tribe of "when someone goes low, I go high". No my friends, when you go low with me, you better get ready cause I'm not just going low I'm gonna make you wish you never showed up!! Yea, it's bad, but I'm not gonna beat myself up anymore when I let it happen. No, I can only be me and continue to learn and grow. Being kind even when I can't stand something or someone is an area of growth for me and I'm open and receptive to that expansion.
I release the past and all past experiences I forgive and set myself free
Do you know how long I stewed and felt bad about what I said ( or didn't say, cause my ignore you game is on 100)! It was ridiculous, I would have been over the upset that day if I didn't judge myself so harshly for being upset in the first place. How many times have you beat yourself up so bad about something that months may go by and your still stewing about it? You can't move on with your life, can't focus, your making careless mistakes and bad life choices, all because you can't forgive yourself! You have to let yourself be you and trust that you are the best version of you and continue each day to show up and be that person. When you don't forgive yourself you give yourself permission to be less then your best because you begin to tell yourself the lie that you are whatever mistake you made. Or you are whatever hurt you endured. No my friend it's not ok, forgive yourself and live!!! Live free from what was said, done , or implied. We many times talk about forgiving others but that may be just the reason most can't forgive, because they can't forgive themselves!! You are the creator of your experience, so the next time you create something you don't like, don't fester in defeat, say, " I did that, I see what I did wrong, won't do that again" and keep it moving!!! You are great and wonderfully made. Just because you may have made a mistake doesn't mean you are a mistake!! Live , Love and Laugh people for real, we can change this world by first being kinder to ourselves.
Peace and Harmony,
April 30, 2019
I have a friend that I have been struggling to accept. The truth is I struggle to accept any friends. I may take having trust issues to a level that becomes interdimensional, yet I still feel this martyrs plight of loneliness. I honestly tell myself I'm too busy and keep myself in a state of busy to fulfill the self proclaimed prophesy. These confirmations of self awareness are not statements of condemnation yet instead a declaration of acceptance! I accept myself in everyway, the good the bad and the ugly and in accepting myself I've come to understand the value of accepting others. These epiphanies of life are awesome and so cool to become clear, but please understand just because I can have that AHA moment, I still have to live it?
This friend I spoke of previously .has been a difficult friendship to accept. During our year long association I have found every reason possible not to maintain this friendship. ( Now if while your reading this your beginning to judge me, don't do it! I know you all are perfect and you can't relate, but still try not to judge,) They are too young, their family is too wild, they want things I can't give them and on and on. The fact that this person even talks to me is another red flag in my only me mind because my thought is it's all a trick to bide his time in order get back at me. Yes all these things go through my head and I can't stop you from judging me so judge, judge away!
Well I recently accepted the friendship after pushing the relationship, and literally disappearing from access at one point. And as I'm typing this I realize I have to accept that I am not a good friend. I actually don't enjoy the responsibility of maintaining friendships and I'm alright with that. I have plenty responsibility of family and fulfilling my fullest potential. Now I can hear all the disgust from readers that cherish friendship and couldn't live without them! I accept your perspective and I can only hope you can accept mine. I've come to realize I battle with the idea of what a friendship should look like, I've accepted there's no defined way to be, I either find value in having someone in my life or I don't. I accept that as an only child I have no problem being alone, and I am my oldest, best only friend. This is very helpful because it helps me to understand why people don't linger around in my life, it's because I don't want them to, and that's ok. The battle within comes from seeking acceptance from the world and realizing you don't live by the same values and guidelines as the world. How many times have you felt like pure shit because other people stated their opinion about how you should feel or handle a situation and it is completely contrary to what you think? You begin to second guess yourself and actually begin to panic, not because the situation is that horrendous, but because the outside perspective is so foreign you can't even relate! Doubt becomes panic and panic becomes bad decisions all because you accept someone else's version of you instead of just accepting you!!! You are enough and your truth in your truth!!! You owe no one any explanation, it is alright!!!
In the journey to Self Acceptance ask yourself the follow questions.
1. Are your intentions to be the best representation of yourself as you can be?
2. Do you know who your are?
3. Do you know what you want?
4. Can you acknowledge your insecurities and face them for your own personal growth and not to be validated by someone else?
5. Can you do the work to explore who you are and proudly be you?
Self Awareness is a the first step to living your truth.
Self Acceptance is the surrendering to the Universal truth that everything is always working out for us and, trusting that, that applies to you!
Always know you are loved and love is all around you.
Peace and Harmony
How many times have I tried something that just didn't work out? I try everything I'm interested in at least once, sometimes twice and even three times if I really liked it but just haven't quite figured out how it works for me. They say, the definition of insanity is doing something over and over and expecting a different result, so how does that apply to trying? I mean in life you have to try something new constantly in order to find that new thing that may enhance your life or take you to the next level. We are constantly free to try everything. Try the relationship again, try to maintain a positive mindset, try to pay all my debts on time, try to maintain a steady clientele, try this or try that.....AM I INSANE?????
I have a saying, trying means you've done nothing you either do or you don't, did or didn't! Sounds pretty harsh to some but it's true, because trying is the middle ground between accomplishment and defeat.
You either did or you didn't!!
Trying is that free time between accepting responsibility to act or not. It's the decision stage of your life and at some point you either do it or you don't!! Do you notice there is not one great declaration statement or inspirational quote that state " Well I tried" or " I'll try it", it just sounds weak! I honestly hate it when I hear people say, "I'm trying". I'll say, "You did a great job!", and instead of saying, thank you, in acknowledgement of an accomplished task done well, people say, "I try". Wait what??!! You already did!!! You don't have to try, you did it!!! No wonder we never feel accomplished or fulfilled because we never acknowledge the great things we DO in gratitude!!! We keep trying to accomplish that which have already been done. So in our mind and within ourselves we can never be settled and accomplish new things because we can't stop trying the old.
OOHH that's good!! I mean that was truly revealing for me! So now what?
Time to shift out of the TRYING stage and jump into the DOING! Do that project you have been scared to do because in the past they have failed in a humiliating way. Go on that date despite past experiences having left you disappointed and heart broken. Live in joy, appreciation and great expectation even though ever moment of life looks grim and hopeless. Be the light you want to see! Be the leader you wish you had! Be the Joy you want to feel! Make the shift! I can Do It, You can Do It, We can Do It! The free trial is over, the time is now! We must create the reality we want to live. We must do that thing that we have been trying to do, just DO IT! The urgency has never been so great and the opportunity for greatness has always been available! Accepting the call is just a matter of picking yourself up and stating I AM HERE!
The Free Trial is over!!! We can LIVE, and We can LIVE exceedingly abundantly above all we could think or ask for!!
Peace and Harmony
Habit is defined as a settled or regular tendency or practice especially hard to give up. Synonyms include practice, pattern, routine and rule.
As I reviewed the meaning of this vastly complex word I found it interesting, within the definition the phrase "especially hard to give up", appears. This statement would imply that habits are negative in nature. Such as a habit of smoking or coffee drinking every morning. With such strong negative connotations it's no wonder people don't want to think about much less create habits in their life. This definition would lead one to believe habits are out of our control, a compulsion of sorts that mere mortal humans just can't manage.
Well that's one way of looking at it!
But how does that serve you in terms of growth and development?
If the answer is, it's not, you wouldn't be alone, the truth is, as the synonyms, unveil, habits are very positive and productive.
PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT
PATTERNS OF THINKING
RULE OF THUMB
These are all familiar quotes usually involved in motivation and encouragement. These are valuable words that accomplish the same goal as the infamous HABITS. They all develop character in a person that can either serve them or derail them.
Today I will attempt to encourage and explore ways to develop healthy habits that will serve you in the best way.
Many great self help guides offer 5, 7 or 10 habits of success. The list may have items such as: Wake up Earlier
Make a to do list
Have a positive attitude
Always do what they say
Most people reading these lists may feel an indictment on their lives and their dreams because these aren't just things to do, but also ways to live. That becomes the trick of habits, it may be easy to change a course of action but not so easy to change a course of living.
Now the root of the problem with the word habit has been dug, let's get into the solution and create habits that will change our patterns of thinking, create routines for us to live by, practice developing our purpose to create a rule of greatness!
Habits can creep up on you without any conscious knowledge of there existence. The fact is a habit is inevitable, they are simply things we do or patterns of thinking we consciously or unconsciously live out on a daily basis.
Habits are usually only evaluated when life isn’t going well.
There is something in our life we need to change or a new beginning we want to explore.
So how do we make habits work for us and not against us?
Take the time to think about some of the things done on auto pilot everyday.
Narrow the scope to 5 things.
Do these thing Serve your purpose or Destroy it?
Now take a sheet of paper and draw a line through the middle with the left side for Serving and the right side for Destroy
Once you have those 5 things in mind place them in the category of Serve or Destroy
This forces your to consciously evaluate your behavior.
Anything that is under Destroy you don’t need and can be eliminated from your life.
This is when self development takes place because it may be difficult to let these things go.
Yet this is were the choice becomes evident and if your want to change your life you have to change yourself first, starting with your habits.
Do this for 21 days and watch for results. Notice your life is more productive and attitude change regarding what you can do and can’t.
Habits are powerful useful guides that indicate if you are living with intention or by default. No matter which life you live habits are inevitable so you might as well use them to your benefit!
Live with intention and make a Habit of it!
Peace and Harmony,
Why does is have to be so hard?
Why does is have to be so hard?
They say, "nothing worth having will come easy", but what happens if the process kills me before I get it? The journey of entrepreneurship has not been an easy one for me. I have had moment of supreme miracles and I am grateful for all the little miracle. For me the emotional stress of creating, building and selling my purpose to the world has me ready to tap out. It makes me wonder, why does it have to be so hard?
Maybe it's me! Maybe I'm too difficult or not organized enough or acquired to many bad habits! Maybe this is just not my thing and I should just give up and get a job!
See that's the thing that keeps me pushing, the thought of supporting someone else's vision and not giving my all to support my own is just dishonoring to me. For so long I'd played it safe, and supported other peoples dream and honestly I'm at the point were I need a little reciprocity. I can't work for someone else, my purpose is to provide an environment that allows everyone to work together to fulfill their fullest potential!! My vision is plain and important and I have ever right to pursue it like anyone else in there purpose driven field!
But why does it have to be so hard???!!!!
As I'm typing I'm hoping an answer will come to me but I keep drawing a blank. Ok so lets take it back to the basics, why am I doing this?
I do this because I have been served the same heap of lies growing up as everyone else; go to school, get a good job, be a good employee, get married have children and live happily ever after. So I did all of that and at the age of 26, found myself divorced, with a one year old in a job where people complained to me about there cell phone bills all day, just making enough just to pay bills and feed me and my baby. I was so unhappily ever after!!!
I was introduce to working for myself and for the first time felt the freedom to really discover gifts and talents I didn't know I had! For the first time since I was a kid I felt Alive!! The problem was I didn't know how to make a living from these new found gifts and jumped head first just to land hard on my head. For the next 3 yrs I experienced the strangest dichotomy, I was loosing everything I thought was of value, yet beginning to learn who I was and what I was capable of doing. I grew up middle class, going on vacations in the summer and always had what I needed. Having material things were important to me, but now I was living in poverty and ashamed because my mother sent me to private school and I graduated from U of M. So what the fuck happened!!!! Why couldn't I make this work? Why couldn't I pay my bills and live my best self???
WHY THE FUCK IS THIS SO HARD???!!!!
BUT, I had one of those miracles that changed my life. It can in the form of a book; a Buddhist book. In that book I learned the power of STILLNESS, and from there the alignment of YOGA. As I began to practice these disciplines of meditation and yoga I began to notice that opportunities began to open up for me. I finally began to make money again and provide for my family. I began learning about sales and found I was pretty good with building relationships with people in a short time and people liked me. People bought what I sold which was everything from oils, Mary Kay, spa packs door to door, I've even sold water on the side of the road (true story). I remember the day I was introduced to a massage therapist I was trying to sell some oils and creams to and she asked me if I could start doing massages. I was open to anything and felt it couldn't hurt to try. What I wasn't expecting was to experience my gift immediately! You see I've always had a curiosity about spiritual laws and God. When I was about 8 or 9 I remember being in the tub and laying hands on my stomach because I used to get terrible stomach cramps. I closed my eyes and spoke, " I am healed", and being a little girl I believed it and sure enough my stomach ache went away. Fast forward to the day of my first massage it was like I was that little girl laying hands on my stomach. I could feel the muscles molding in my hands, I knew exactly where the discomfort was and how to release the pain. I was amazed when the client stood up in relief because the pain in his neck was gone. I began to research and learn everything I could about massage therapy. I worked with the woman that recruited me for awhile, then bought my own equipment . Once that happened I was working as a massage therapist full time and earning a living. It changed my life completely and proved to me, that I could earn a legitimate living and be my own boss, while helping people. The Peace and Harmony Center was born and I haven't looked back. It's been 12 yrs now and although I've worked for non-profits and bartended to maintain the growing of my family, the drive to establish a Center for people to come and fulfill their fullest potential is as passionate today as it was back then!
So, Why is it still so hard???
I've forgotten something .
I've forgotten to be still and allow my inner truth to reveal the next steps to make.
I've forgotten to align my body with my mind through Yoga to assure that I'm at the right places and the right time.
I've forgotten my gift is authenticate and mine to give to a world that desperately needs it.
I've forgotten were I've come from and come through. I made it through then and I'll make it now!!!
The exercise of Faith is never easy but it gets easier when you remember to exercise it!!!
ALL IS WELL
AND I AM GRATEFUL!!!
Peace and Harmony,