Ongoing journey of Self Awareness
Ongoing journey of Self Awareness
April 4, 2019
The last week I've been on this rollercoaster ride called Emotional Wreck. Lord have mercy all I can say is I'm the oldest big baby I know,( cause I'm sure no one else is an spoiled adult throwing mini temper tantrums when you don't get your way, like me...) I don't even want to go into detail about what had me so weepy and I'm not exaggerating I was crying and kicking like a baby. I mean the bottom line was my feeling were hurt and it triggered feeling of the past that just seemed to inflate the issue to such an dramatic scene that...lets just say I just start talking to my kids again and the incident happened Saturday. Yes I know I'm typing this on a Thursday night, don't you dare judge me in my own blog!! The point is I learned something I want to share.
So during the storm I'll call it, I felt so stupid for being mad and even more upset that I couldn't stop being mad. I mean I was pissed and couldn't let it go. I tried to logically reason with myself but noooooo, the thoughts kept coming in my head. I finally sat myself down and did the only thing that seems to help me release toxic thoughts I need to move through. I wrote down what I feel, why I feel it, is the feeling true and who would I be if I didn't even think the thoughts that created the feeling? I got this technique from a wonderful teacher and author Byron Katie. She's written numerous book, but the book that I found her with was "I need your love-Is that true?" This book teaches the beauty in questioning your thoughts to break the cycles your mind keeps you trapped in if you let it. I recommend reading her books highly. Back to the story, I was finally able to clear away the emotional baggage of the past and learn a valuable lesson.
I can forgive myself!!! It ok for me to be pissed at someone or something, that doesn't make me less called to serve others or even a bad person. Now being unkind to someone that can only react or relate to me from their perspective which is usually completely different from mine is the behavior of a mean person. Notice I said mean and not bad. You can be mean and not a bad person and I can be a mean person, I admit it, it's true. I am not groomed from the Michelle Obama tribe of "when someone goes low, I go high". No my friends, when you go low with me, you better get ready cause I'm not just going low I'm gonna make you wish you never showed up!! Yea, it's bad, but I'm not gonna beat myself up anymore when I let it happen. No, I can only be me and continue to learn and grow. Being kind even when I can't stand something or someone is an area of growth for me and I'm open and receptive to that expansion.
I release the past and all past experiences I forgive and set myself free
Do you know how long I stewed and felt bad about what I said ( or didn't say, cause my ignore you game is on 100)! It was ridiculous, I would have been over the upset that day if I didn't judge myself so harshly for being upset in the first place. How many times have you beat yourself up so bad about something that months may go by and your still stewing about it? You can't move on with your life, can't focus, your making careless mistakes and bad life choices, all because you can't forgive yourself! You have to let yourself be you and trust that you are the best version of you and continue each day to show up and be that person. When you don't forgive yourself you give yourself permission to be less then your best because you begin to tell yourself the lie that you are whatever mistake you made. Or you are whatever hurt you endured. No my friend it's not ok, forgive yourself and live!!! Live free from what was said, done , or implied. We many times talk about forgiving others but that may be just the reason most can't forgive, because they can't forgive themselves!! You are the creator of your experience, so the next time you create something you don't like, don't fester in defeat, say, " I did that, I see what I did wrong, won't do that again" and keep it moving!!! You are great and wonderfully made. Just because you may have made a mistake doesn't mean you are a mistake!! Live , Love and Laugh people for real, we can change this world by first being kinder to ourselves.
Peace and Harmony,
April 30, 2019
I have a friend that I have been struggling to accept. The truth is I struggle to accept any friends. I may take having trust issues to a level that becomes interdimensional, yet I still feel this martyrs plight of loneliness. I honestly tell myself I'm too busy and keep myself in a state of busy to fulfill the self proclaimed prophesy. These confirmations of self awareness are not statements of condemnation yet instead a declaration of acceptance! I accept myself in everyway, the good the bad and the ugly and in accepting myself I've come to understand the value of accepting others. These epiphanies of life are awesome and so cool to become clear, but please understand just because I can have that AHA moment, I still have to live it?
This friend I spoke of previously .has been a difficult friendship to accept. During our year long association I have found every reason possible not to maintain this friendship. ( Now if while your reading this your beginning to judge me, don't do it! I know you all are perfect and you can't relate, but still try not to judge,) They are too young, their family is too wild, they want things I can't give them and on and on. The fact that this person even talks to me is another red flag in my only me mind because my thought is it's all a trick to bide his time in order get back at me. Yes all these things go through my head and I can't stop you from judging me so judge, judge away!
Well I recently accepted the friendship after pushing the relationship, and literally disappearing from access at one point. And as I'm typing this I realize I have to accept that I am not a good friend. I actually don't enjoy the responsibility of maintaining friendships and I'm alright with that. I have plenty responsibility of family and fulfilling my fullest potential. Now I can hear all the disgust from readers that cherish friendship and couldn't live without them! I accept your perspective and I can only hope you can accept mine. I've come to realize I battle with the idea of what a friendship should look like, I've accepted there's no defined way to be, I either find value in having someone in my life or I don't. I accept that as an only child I have no problem being alone, and I am my oldest, best only friend. This is very helpful because it helps me to understand why people don't linger around in my life, it's because I don't want them to, and that's ok. The battle within comes from seeking acceptance from the world and realizing you don't live by the same values and guidelines as the world. How many times have you felt like pure shit because other people stated their opinion about how you should feel or handle a situation and it is completely contrary to what you think? You begin to second guess yourself and actually begin to panic, not because the situation is that horrendous, but because the outside perspective is so foreign you can't even relate! Doubt becomes panic and panic becomes bad decisions all because you accept someone else's version of you instead of just accepting you!!! You are enough and your truth in your truth!!! You owe no one any explanation, it is alright!!!
In the journey to Self Acceptance ask yourself the follow questions.
1. Are your intentions to be the best representation of yourself as you can be?
2. Do you know who your are?
3. Do you know what you want?
4. Can you acknowledge your insecurities and face them for your own personal growth and not to be validated by someone else?
5. Can you do the work to explore who you are and proudly be you?
Self Awareness is a the first step to living your truth.
Self Acceptance is the surrendering to the Universal truth that everything is always working out for us and, trusting that, that applies to you!
Always know you are loved and love is all around you.
Peace and Harmony
How many times have I tried something that just didn't work out? I try everything I'm interested in at least once, sometimes twice and even three times if I really liked it but just haven't quite figured out how it works for me. They say, the definition of insanity is doing something over and over and expecting a different result, so how does that apply to trying? I mean in life you have to try something new constantly in order to find that new thing that may enhance your life or take you to the next level. We are constantly free to try everything. Try the relationship again, try to maintain a positive mindset, try to pay all my debts on time, try to maintain a steady clientele, try this or try that.....AM I INSANE?????
I have a saying, trying means you've done nothing you either do or you don't, did or didn't! Sounds pretty harsh to some but it's true, because trying is the middle ground between accomplishment and defeat.
You either did or you didn't!!
Trying is that free time between accepting responsibility to act or not. It's the decision stage of your life and at some point you either do it or you don't!! Do you notice there is not one great declaration statement or inspirational quote that state " Well I tried" or " I'll try it", it just sounds weak! I honestly hate it when I hear people say, "I'm trying". I'll say, "You did a great job!", and instead of saying, thank you, in acknowledgement of an accomplished task done well, people say, "I try". Wait what??!! You already did!!! You don't have to try, you did it!!! No wonder we never feel accomplished or fulfilled because we never acknowledge the great things we DO in gratitude!!! We keep trying to accomplish that which have already been done. So in our mind and within ourselves we can never be settled and accomplish new things because we can't stop trying the old.
OOHH that's good!! I mean that was truly revealing for me! So now what?
Time to shift out of the TRYING stage and jump into the DOING! Do that project you have been scared to do because in the past they have failed in a humiliating way. Go on that date despite past experiences having left you disappointed and heart broken. Live in joy, appreciation and great expectation even though ever moment of life looks grim and hopeless. Be the light you want to see! Be the leader you wish you had! Be the Joy you want to feel! Make the shift! I can Do It, You can Do It, We can Do It! The free trial is over, the time is now! We must create the reality we want to live. We must do that thing that we have been trying to do, just DO IT! The urgency has never been so great and the opportunity for greatness has always been available! Accepting the call is just a matter of picking yourself up and stating I AM HERE!
The Free Trial is over!!! We can LIVE, and We can LIVE exceedingly abundantly above all we could think or ask for!!
Peace and Harmony
Habit is defined as a settled or regular tendency or practice especially hard to give up. Synonyms include practice, pattern, routine and rule.
As I reviewed the meaning of this vastly complex word I found it interesting, within the definition the phrase "especially hard to give up", appears. This statement would imply that habits are negative in nature. Such as a habit of smoking or coffee drinking every morning. With such strong negative connotations it's no wonder people don't want to think about much less create habits in their life. This definition would lead one to believe habits are out of our control, a compulsion of sorts that mere mortal humans just can't manage.
Well that's one way of looking at it!
But how does that serve you in terms of growth and development?
If the answer is, it's not, you wouldn't be alone, the truth is, as the synonyms, unveil, habits are very positive and productive.
PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT
PATTERNS OF THINKING
RULE OF THUMB
These are all familiar quotes usually involved in motivation and encouragement. These are valuable words that accomplish the same goal as the infamous HABITS. They all develop character in a person that can either serve them or derail them.
Today I will attempt to encourage and explore ways to develop healthy habits that will serve you in the best way.
Many great self help guides offer 5, 7 or 10 habits of success. The list may have items such as: Wake up Earlier
Make a to do list
Have a positive attitude
Always do what they say
Most people reading these lists may feel an indictment on their lives and their dreams because these aren't just things to do, but also ways to live. That becomes the trick of habits, it may be easy to change a course of action but not so easy to change a course of living.
Now the root of the problem with the word habit has been dug, let's get into the solution and create habits that will change our patterns of thinking, create routines for us to live by, practice developing our purpose to create a rule of greatness!
Habits can creep up on you without any conscious knowledge of there existence. The fact is a habit is inevitable, they are simply things we do or patterns of thinking we consciously or unconsciously live out on a daily basis.
Habits are usually only evaluated when life isn’t going well.
There is something in our life we need to change or a new beginning we want to explore.
So how do we make habits work for us and not against us?
Take the time to think about some of the things done on auto pilot everyday.
Narrow the scope to 5 things.
Do these thing Serve your purpose or Destroy it?
Now take a sheet of paper and draw a line through the middle with the left side for Serving and the right side for Destroy
Once you have those 5 things in mind place them in the category of Serve or Destroy
This forces your to consciously evaluate your behavior.
Anything that is under Destroy you don’t need and can be eliminated from your life.
This is when self development takes place because it may be difficult to let these things go.
Yet this is were the choice becomes evident and if your want to change your life you have to change yourself first, starting with your habits.
Do this for 21 days and watch for results. Notice your life is more productive and attitude change regarding what you can do and can’t.
Habits are powerful useful guides that indicate if you are living with intention or by default. No matter which life you live habits are inevitable so you might as well use them to your benefit!
Live with intention and make a Habit of it!
Peace and Harmony,
Why does is have to be so hard?
Why does is have to be so hard?
They say, "nothing worth having will come easy", but what happens if the process kills me before I get it? The journey of entrepreneurship has not been an easy one for me. I have had moment of supreme miracles and I am grateful for all the little miracle. For me the emotional stress of creating, building and selling my purpose to the world has me ready to tap out. It makes me wonder, why does it have to be so hard?
Maybe it's me! Maybe I'm too difficult or not organized enough or acquired to many bad habits! Maybe this is just not my thing and I should just give up and get a job!
See that's the thing that keeps me pushing, the thought of supporting someone else's vision and not giving my all to support my own is just dishonoring to me. For so long I'd played it safe, and supported other peoples dream and honestly I'm at the point were I need a little reciprocity. I can't work for someone else, my purpose is to provide an environment that allows everyone to work together to fulfill their fullest potential!! My vision is plain and important and I have ever right to pursue it like anyone else in there purpose driven field!
But why does it have to be so hard???!!!!
As I'm typing I'm hoping an answer will come to me but I keep drawing a blank. Ok so lets take it back to the basics, why am I doing this?
I do this because I have been served the same heap of lies growing up as everyone else; go to school, get a good job, be a good employee, get married have children and live happily ever after. So I did all of that and at the age of 26, found myself divorced, with a one year old in a job where people complained to me about there cell phone bills all day, just making enough just to pay bills and feed me and my baby. I was so unhappily ever after!!!
I was introduce to working for myself and for the first time felt the freedom to really discover gifts and talents I didn't know I had! For the first time since I was a kid I felt Alive!! The problem was I didn't know how to make a living from these new found gifts and jumped head first just to land hard on my head. For the next 3 yrs I experienced the strangest dichotomy, I was loosing everything I thought was of value, yet beginning to learn who I was and what I was capable of doing. I grew up middle class, going on vacations in the summer and always had what I needed. Having material things were important to me, but now I was living in poverty and ashamed because my mother sent me to private school and I graduated from U of M. So what the fuck happened!!!! Why couldn't I make this work? Why couldn't I pay my bills and live my best self???
WHY THE FUCK IS THIS SO HARD???!!!!
BUT, I had one of those miracles that changed my life. It can in the form of a book; a Buddhist book. In that book I learned the power of STILLNESS, and from there the alignment of YOGA. As I began to practice these disciplines of meditation and yoga I began to notice that opportunities began to open up for me. I finally began to make money again and provide for my family. I began learning about sales and found I was pretty good with building relationships with people in a short time and people liked me. People bought what I sold which was everything from oils, Mary Kay, spa packs door to door, I've even sold water on the side of the road (true story). I remember the day I was introduced to a massage therapist I was trying to sell some oils and creams to and she asked me if I could start doing massages. I was open to anything and felt it couldn't hurt to try. What I wasn't expecting was to experience my gift immediately! You see I've always had a curiosity about spiritual laws and God. When I was about 8 or 9 I remember being in the tub and laying hands on my stomach because I used to get terrible stomach cramps. I closed my eyes and spoke, " I am healed", and being a little girl I believed it and sure enough my stomach ache went away. Fast forward to the day of my first massage it was like I was that little girl laying hands on my stomach. I could feel the muscles molding in my hands, I knew exactly where the discomfort was and how to release the pain. I was amazed when the client stood up in relief because the pain in his neck was gone. I began to research and learn everything I could about massage therapy. I worked with the woman that recruited me for awhile, then bought my own equipment . Once that happened I was working as a massage therapist full time and earning a living. It changed my life completely and proved to me, that I could earn a legitimate living and be my own boss, while helping people. The Peace and Harmony Center was born and I haven't looked back. It's been 12 yrs now and although I've worked for non-profits and bartended to maintain the growing of my family, the drive to establish a Center for people to come and fulfill their fullest potential is as passionate today as it was back then!
So, Why is it still so hard???
I've forgotten something .
I've forgotten to be still and allow my inner truth to reveal the next steps to make.
I've forgotten to align my body with my mind through Yoga to assure that I'm at the right places and the right time.
I've forgotten my gift is authenticate and mine to give to a world that desperately needs it.
I've forgotten were I've come from and come through. I made it through then and I'll make it now!!!
The exercise of Faith is never easy but it gets easier when you remember to exercise it!!!
ALL IS WELL
AND I AM GRATEFUL!!!
Peace and Harmony,
Journey to Joy
Journey to Joy
January 8, 2020
It's a New Year and I must say it is already shaping itself to be a time of growth and self development. This is the time many people create resolutions for change! The excitement of having the chance to start fresh makes New Year's my favorite holiday. This year though something different happened for me. During what I thought would be the most joyous time of my life, I experienced a journey that would change me. December 13th was supposed to be the day of my 44th Birthday Celebration. My daughter was coming home from college and I was super excited for my 44th year. Everything was going great; until it wasn't, and it got worse till finally I found myself in the middle of the darkest night of my soul and I it almost took my life. I can't explain how I went from such an extreme high to such an extreme low but it took me five days to come out of it and I'm just grateful for the previous studying, practicing and constant work I've done because I know it saved my life! Now I'm not writing this for a pity party or a pat on the back for coming through it, but I am writing this for the thousands of people that live everyday without knowing the tools available to them through Meditation, Yoga, and Massage Therapy and are using much more toxic tools to cope with life. With that in mind I want to offer three tips that helped me through my dark night of the soul and released me to a more clear and positive understanding of my purpose and life in general.
"Everything will be ok, Keisha. You will live and not die! You are fully supported! No weapon formed against me shall prosper!" When I couldn't get out of bed and I felt the most excruciating agony within me all I kept doing is affirming these four statements. I still felt every emotion but it helped me stay stable and not do something I would regret. The more I spoke them the more the evil energy that held me so tight, loosened. It was on the 5th day that I actually felt myself again and a clarity of what I felt was revealed to me. You see I had made a decision to accept the change that will come with the expectation of abundance and a joyful life, but my residual false narrative that lived in my body didn't want to let go and put up a hell of a fight. I literally could feel pure rage surge through my body, and like a close friend you console when they are at their lowest, I had to console myself. I was and am my own Best Friend !!! I had to go through this revelation alone and no one else could do it for me. What I learned? Everything I need is inside me!
Breath in the tub! Salt is said to have healing properties. It is considered a neutralizer, that clears, heals and balances energy, repelling negative vibrations. I took salt bathes everyday during that time and while sitting in the salt water I meditated. I continued to repeat the above mantras and focus on what I wanted to happen in my life. I imaged with each soak all the negative energy I felt being cleansed in the salt water and finally letting it go down the drain. I continue my salt baths at least 2xs a week know and at the end of a long day when I feel I've absorbed too much negative energy I must bath!
Everything isn't what it seems so always remember, You Create Your Reality!!! It is so easy to get caught up in the everyday rat race. School transport, holiday shopping, traffic (my biggest trigger), paying bills and smiling when someone says something so asinine that you just want to punch them in the face! ( Just saying..) Anyway, I came to understand that I was living based on a perception of how I thought the events of my daily life should go and if they didn't go exactly as I thought my anxiety would go through the roof! Once my anxiety kicked in there was no turning back for me, I kept playing it in my head like a broken record of my life that I couldn't let go. As I stilled myself I understood that I have no control of what the events of life may be. The English language is someone ironic because the word Present has multiple meanings but can be equally applicable in life. Present is existing now, but present is also used in reference to a gift. So living in the now opens you up to many gift that are many times a surprise, Depending on your perception, this surprise can bring great joy or terrible pain. I realized that I can't say I will live by faith and expect to control everything that happens with such brute force that I drive myself crazy. I had to let go and accept that sometime stuff happens unexpectedly and that fine, just like sometime things will go just the way I expected which is fine too. This freed me to see that things that occur in life are gifts and I LOVE gifts. The good and the bad it is all a gift. There is no discrimination and in that revelation I was set free to LIVE!!!
I must say, I'm truly grateful for those 5 days and I realized I may go through it again, but I know I will come out of it wiser and stronger than before. So don't be afraid! Be fearless and allow the process to flow through you. Be kind to yourself when you feel your lowest. Remember to breath!! Most people literally stop breathing when life forces a strong blow, but breath through it, this too shall pass. And finally throw your hands up and enjoy the ride of life!! We live in a Universe that fully supports and loves us, no matter what you see on the news or in your bank account! Love is all around us and give us the strength and consciousness to achieve everything we are purpose to do!
Abundance is in everything; joy, laughter, tears, fun, love, excitement, hope, and on and on!! The abundance of the Universe in Infinite! All is well!
Peace and Harmony,
P.S. Today is my baby girls Birthday!!!
Happy Birthday Katherine Journey Joy!!!
February 26, 2020
I just took a much needed trip to Atlanta, it was amazing!!!! I saw the mountains and drove the streets of Atlanta, taking in Black culture and experiencing history. I loved every minute of it, until my 15 yr old and I came to a colossal collision that seemed to knock me back into myself. For the past 15yrs I've been on a journey to be my best self, studying all kinds of self help books, listening to every spiritual teacher from TD Jakes to Abraham Hicks. I went on this venture so I could be a better mother.
My oldest at the time was 5yrs old and I realized, although I promised I would never do it, I was following the same parenting patterns of my mother. I would loose my temper uncontrollably, spank her and criticize everything she did. I couldn't help myself and didn't know how to stop it. I was hurting my little girl and worse part is I felt I made a mistake becoming a mother. I had done everything I vowed not to! I was divorced, with a dead beat ex that couldn't help me in any way with my daughter never the less help me with my childhood trauma that was being triggered everyday with this precious little girl. I had to figure something out because she was here and I had to provide for her and love her because she didn't ask to be here. (That's what I thought but later found out that wasn't true) Anyway I really didn't get the guidance I needed until I had my second child one year later and her grandmother kindly and gently said to me," you don't have to yell and the baby, she can understand you". So simple and so profound it stopped me dead in my tracks. My partner at the time went to Japan and brought me back a Buddhist book! I read it everyday and night the enter book. I couldn't get enough and I wanted to know everything I could. Every word made so much sense and it was as if I was connecting the dots to my enter life. From there I began to practice meditation, quieting and stilling myself. Then came yoga, more self help, affirmations, workshops, vision boards, anything you can think of to create self development and growth I did it. I thought I was becoming a better person, I thought I was self actualizing, but I realized something sitting in my car in Atlanta after a terrible fight with my daughter...I've come so far for my children not for me. And the child that ushered the change just told me she didn't like me or didn't want to live with me. This leads me to accept that I put myself away somewhere, trying to be someone I could never be because I was doing it for someone else and not me. As I sat in that car I let the fury, the anger, sadness and regret wash over me. And in that moment I came back to myself.
I remembered that I am an amazing person, and now I have the tools to live an amazing life! Not for a man, or my mother, or my children but for me!! I CREATE MY REALITY!!!! It's like I've been reintroduced to myself with a big hug embrace and the kind words of "It's alright, you are fully supported." So many times in life people do things for other people and from the perspective of what they think others will think of them. It's no wonder we live in such a depressed, dark world, we have not honored ourselves to be gentle and kind enough to tell ourselves " you don't have to yell at the baby , she can understand."
I do understand ! I understand I am sensitive and smart, kind and generous, passionate and high energy. I do understand I become distant when I'm working on myself because I have been hurt. I understand I'm loud and sometime obnoxious. I understand most people love me and many others hate me. I understand that I am my mothers daughter , and I can just be me, without trying not to be her. I am good parent and person whether my children think so or not! I've created a beautiful person and I can only be me!
Peace and Harmony
Allah Asa Suri
I am pure positive energy in the flesh! I come to restore the Soul of Humanity and align mankind with Source! I come in Peace, Love and Harmony! I have seen much and observed patiently but now I will reemerge Flesh with Source and both shall become One. The way of the world is forever changed and a new live will begin!!
A life of Peace, Joy and Well-Being that expands, allowing experiences of rich growth and development that encourages mankind!! We are One People and the Universe has shifted to pure positive energy! Cooperative Community absorbs the consciousness of all life, creating exceedingly abundant Life!!! Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness is the Destiney of the World!!! Only the best possible results will unfold on Earth as it is in Heaven!! No Weapon Formed Against Us Shall Prosper!!!
ALL IS WELL!!!!!
Peace and Harmony